The shocking (or not so shocking) conclusion to the eHarmony membership. I decided to cancel after a year of just about nothing. I met one guy and we went on a few dates, but he wasn’t the one by a long shot. But, as is my life, I couldn’t just leave quietly in the night, so here’s what happened to seal the deal that I was done with this mess.
After a year on eHarmony, here is the final interaction I had with a guy I sent questions to. Names have been changed to protect the innocent, but the poor punctuation is exactly how it happened.
Potential Dude: Hello there
Excited Me: Hi. How was your week?
Grammarless Dude: Week was fine and busy.how have you been and hows your search going?
Skeptical, but Hopeful Me: It has also been a busy week. I got back from Easter weekend in Vegas on Monday and hit the ground running. The search hasn’t been too successful yet, but I’m still optimistic. I actually cancelled my membership as of the end of this month. What about you? Has your search been any better?
Robot Dude: I have not had any luck on here.do you mind if we text and get to know each other more
Convinced of an Inappropriate Pic Me: That’s fine, just in case my membership ends before I think it does. My # is xxx-xxxx. What’s yours?
3 Days Later Don’t Give an Eff Me: So I’m assuming you are either a dating site robot or just not interested. If you are a robot, I hope you find a well suited female robot for you. If you’re not a robot, I guess best of luck in your search. You have my number.
Absolutely Clueless Dude: HI there beautiful.how are you doing today?i have been busy with work
Did he not even read my last message? He has to be a robot, right? This can’t be real.
That SAME night:
He Can’t Be For Real Dude: Hi this is John from Eharmony. (Sent with his profile pic)
Shocked Me: I see you got my message. Can you prove you’re not a robot?
Unable to Banter Dude: How
The Next Day
Don’t Believe in Spaces Dude: Goodmorning
Carpool Buddy Testing if He’s in the Same State as Me: Good Morning, how are you liking these clouds this morning?
Possibly in Same State Dude: Lol not really
Carpool Buddy Attempts to Make Nice Me: Mr. Robot, what is your dog’s name?
Still Clueless and Pop Culture Lacking Dude: Her name is Bella Why are you calling me a robot
Carpool Buddy Trying Hard Me: Well you still haven’t proven that you are not. Tell me about yourself.
Angry Dude: Idk what to think Why do I have to prove myself to anyone when we are all looking for he same thing Like I’m being queried or called a liar idk
Carpool Buddy Doesn’t Want me to Get Murdered in my Sleep Me: I apologize for the robot allegations. Tell me about yourself.
Calmer Dude: What would you like to know
Carpool Buddy Me: What do you like to do for fun?
No Commas Dude: I like to play golf skydive skateboard and also I like to camp
Coworker Takes Over Conversation Me: How many times have you gone skydiving? I went once and it was great. Terrifying but fun. How old is Bella? She is cute.
Unassuming Dude: I have gone about 15 times
Coworker Deciding to Make this Work Me: Wow! Where was your favorite place to go?
Still Unassuming Dude: Lol maybe New Zealand and dubai
Coworker Trying to See if He’s Even Concerned About Me, Me: New Zealand is definitely on my list to travel to. Would you like to know anything about me?
Creeper Robot: I would like to know everything about you
I did not, nor will I respond to that. Why does it always have to get horror movie weird?
Three days later I received an email from eHarmony closing my match with this guy due to “risk assessment” from the site. Apparently he was a robot, or some sort of scam. I’m sooooo happy I gave him my cell number. I feel so much better about my life choices. And that, my friends, is why I am again done with online dating.